(This blog is supposed to reflect who I am, what I believe, and most importantly, a channel for me to look back and see my own growth.So as you continue, please remember, everything I say is to encourage you and bring glory to God.)
I have messed up and to put it bluntly - I am messy. This blog is not being written because I am trying to justify myself or even to ask for forgiveness- I have already been forgiven. This blog is being written, because no matter how much I fall, God always will be the one that rises with Glory. I want it always to be recorded that not on my own accord, but that through each and every lesson, God always gets the glory. And, He has called me to write and speak and not be silent. So many are silent and then so many feel alone - I won't be silent so that you don't have to feel alone.
Lesson: My eyes have been opened to the reality that I am not the person everyone thinks I am and I will never be perfect.
My heart is to see the love of Christ explode from my life onto others. My life goals are all centered around the divine will and destiny of God Almighty. BUT I have not always acted in a way that followed those desires. This past month has been full of mistake after mistake, but in that I have learned what grace, love, and true forgiveness are made of. I do regret my mistakes, but I do not regret the lessons learned. Paul understood....
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." Romans 7:15
We never know why we make the sin we make when we do it, well we do, but we don't want to admit it...Until the pain after comes. Do you agree? You don't regret touching the stove while hot, until the searing burning pain comes? You don't regret speeding, until the cop rights the ticket? Our generation has gotten used to waiting for consenquences, instead of preparing so that we may be ready when/if the temptation comes.
These next two points are based on what the Lord has shown me. I am not pointing anyone out. I am very blessed and thankful for my friends and family - but this is what the Lord has shown me and hopefully you will relate and maybe even take comfort in knowing you are not alone.
1. I Will Never Be the Woman Everyone Wants
Wow. What a powerful statement, not only for me, but for all women. We will never be able to measure up to all the things we are supposed to conquer.
But we can sure try.
I in no way am saying all of this as an excuse of sin, but I am saying it so that you can use it while in battle. The enemy wants you to believe that you are supposed to love this way, hope this way, teach this way, dress this way, speak this way, serve this way, and so on...He wants you to believe the opposite of what God wants you to be because honestly, its quicker satisfaction on our end. One of the pastors at my church said yesterday, "We are into microwaving and God is into marinating..." That is perfect. We want the quick fix diet, the quick fix love, the quick fix career boost...God doesn't work by "quick fixes" and He doesn't "microwave" our lives. Why you may ask? Because He loves us too much to do either of those.
Be
you. Listen to God and trust that the women He is making, sanctifying,
changing, and building will be enough. And trust that all those things
will happen in His time. You are enough. My friends, I ask that you
would trust me in this that I have not yet mastered this, but I am
trying.
Whether its in society, family, or friends we all have expectations for others, but there is a difference in expectations and walls. Expectations are just the generic trust and love that come with entering into any kind of relationship - friendship or romantic. Walls are you putting barriers around who and what a person should ever be or do - walls put them in a box. A Box that they will never fill because frankly everyone's box looks different - so you have your family putting you in a box, your friends, society and etc.
At the end of the day this will not be their fault - but is yours (ours). You(we) chose to stay in that box either because of pride or fear. This box will determine the decisions you(we) make, and if you(we) stay in that box, your(our) entire life will be determined by the destiny others wanted for you (us) and not the perfect destiny God has for you (us).
Over the years there are many people that have told me a numerous amount of things of what they "know" I will be and what type of man they "know" I will marry.
I say all of this to hurt nobody, because frankly they were all doing it out of good intentions.
But just because they were good intentions, does not mean they were God's intentions.
This has become a problem, not solely because of the notions or "boxes" people have put around me, but more so that I have in those moments made expectations concerning my own "personal success ceiling," if you will, and expectations in men.
My eyes have been opened and my heart has been put in check. My only comparison with anything in my life, decision wise, is the Word of God and not the words of man.
I tell each and everyone who will listen to all of this to hopefully encourage those who are going through this season with me and to help prepare or maybe even open the eyes of those who haven't seen this season yet. I am not saying all struggle through this, but I am saying it has grown rampant - especially with my generation.
So I will finish where I started, my heart is to see the love of Christ explode from my life onto others. My life goals are all centered around the divine will and destiny of God Almighty....and now my life will hopefully transparently and honestly reflect these true Godly desires.
"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:33
So the confession is I am not perfect and I never be..BUT I serve a Perfect, Just, Loving, Faithful, Good, Honest, Hopeful, Compassionate, Kind, and Provisional God who continues to lavish His perfect love on me. I can't say that I have broken down all the walls of the boxes that have been placed around me or I have made every decision in my life based on God's intention and not my own or others agenda - but I can say that I now am aware of these and knowledge is power. My heart will be to seek first His Kingdom and let God's perfect love be the only type of perfection I seek.
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear..." 1 John 4:18
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